Every little girl dreams of her fairy tale wedding. The engagement ring, the perfectly detailed chiffon dress, the bouquet, the music, the decorations. Every little detail is flawlessly thought out and why wouldn’t it be? The moment we begin to read or watch movies we are taught how magical it can be to find your very own prince charming and plan the most lavishly beautiful wedding to celebrate your love for one another, but something we are never told in society, a topic we silence before it can even be a thought, is what happens after the wedding, what is happily ever after really like?
Everyone will tell you that the first year of marriage is the hardest and that the adjustment to married life can be so difficult that making it through that first year can be an absolute struggle. At the bridal shower people will provide you with advice on how to manage conflict and the secrets to a happy and fulfilling life together. The conversation around the table will revolve around how hard the first year is and perhaps that conversation is short, but why, why is the first year so hard? There are instances where I can understand how acclimating to married life could be difficult. Learning to live with the love of your life if you never have before can prove to be a learning curve. Discussing and combining finances opens a whole new door to face potential conflict. Navigating parents and in-laws that are fighting for attention especially around the holidays can add additional stress. Each of these things can put a strain on a marriage or any relationship in general, making it easy to understand how this might cause the first year of marriage to be tough, but what about the couples who have already adjusted to these things prior to marriage? Is it any different for them or do they too experience additional stress as they begin married life?
A lot of questions, I know. These are all questions I have been asking myself for the past year, eager to understand how while nothing in our relationship had changed there was such immense stress. After I realized that the answer didn’t lie within our marriage or our home, but with others I began to understand that the first year of marriage for those already adjusted to life together isn’t the hardest because there is pressure from one another, but because there is pressure from everyone else. The first few months of marriage Chris and I were constantly told by family, friends, coworkers and acquaintances how much marriage changed everything. Silently, I would listen and contemplate what had really changed, was I missing something because nothing felt different? People would ask us how we were adjusting. Family would claim it was an adjustment period, but for who exactly, what precisely were we adjusting too? For the longest time, I thought I was crazy because I had walked into this next chapter of my life fully believing that nothing would change and that honestly, nothing should. Yet we were told time and time again by so many people that this was an adjustment and after a while we even fell victim to it, leading to a ton of stress.
The realization that this perception of an adjustment period had little to nothing to do directly with us, but was directly invoked by others convincing themselves that something had changed wasn’t made overnight. In fact, it has taken us a year (a very long year) of stress and disagreements to arrive here. Only the other day did we have this revelation and both took the deepest breathe ever in knowing that we weren’t in fact going completely crazy. It all boils down to one thing, opinions. Everyone has an opinion; opinions about how you need to spend the holiday and with whom, opinions about how to manage finances, opinions on when and how many kids the two of you should have and it doesn’t stop there the list goes on and on. Everyone had an opinion as to how our marriage should be going, panicking over change that didn’t exist and that added unnecessary pressure.
In today’s world, we work tirelessly to keep up an image on the many social media platforms we are a part of that it is difficult to see that you’re not the only two people feeling this way, which is why I share this. There is no doubt that we are not the only couple who has faced or will face these pressures so I want to share one piece of advice that I wish someone told me a year ago.
Choose each other every day. While I could sit here and try to find words more perfect than Lauren Cermak’s of Going for Grace, anything I put to paper wouldn’t be as perfect as what she has written. “When you get married, your husband is your family. Chalk it up to our culture here in the south or maybe just my own crazy, but I remember during our first year of marriage feeling like we weren’t our own family until we had kids. I didn’t want to have kids yet! I was nowhere near ready for that, yet people kept asking when were “starting our family”. Let me tell you, you have started your family the moment that you say, “I do”!
That being said, you will have decisions to make as a family. Choose each other when each one comes! Choose to work together and put each other’s opinions, thoughts, and needs first when it comes to making these decisions. And they are coming…Whether it be a job, a house, a new car, a move, when to have children, where to spend holidays, where to live, and many more!”
Society has taught us that showing that there is struggle is a sign of weakness when in fact struggle can be a sign of strength. This past year has been full of opinions, pressure and stress, but I couldn’t imagine having anyone else by my side and there is no doubt that we have come out of this last year with love that is even stronger. Marriage doesn’t need to be an adjustment period and marriage shouldn’t change anything, but if this pressure is in escapable, remember, have patience, be kind and love fiercely.
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